When Social "Codes" Collide

Yeah I know I suck. Can’t keep up with a blog worth a damn….but I’ll keep trying.


I had a fun discussion with a friend this morning about the difference in perception between men and women regarding the same thing.

Me: You know when a guy is chatting up a girl at a party? And in the course of the conversation it comes up that she is already seeing another guy? Then the guy talking to her seems to just lose all interest in meeting her, and he takes off like a bat out of hell? I hate that! It comes across as though his only interest in speaking to her at all was for possible mate material. It totally devalues her as a person in her own right, with interests of her own that are worthy of discussion. It makes him look like a jerk, and for her…if she does become available one day, she’s not going to forget his one-track interest. She probably won’t be interested in starting anything with the guy she remembers dropping her like a stone at that party.

Male Friend: You are forgetting the “guy code”. When a guy discovers a girl he’s interested in is taken, out of respect for her romantic partner, and not to mention their mutual friends (many of whom are probably right there at the same party), he is obligated to show respect by not giving the wrong impression to anyone who may be observing. The impression being that he’s making a move on another guy’s girl. That wrong impression could lead to his getting his ass kicked. And since he probably had to work up a lot of nerve to start talking to the girl in the first place, his “exit strategy” could easily be equally unsophisticated.

Huh.

This was quite interesting to me. Because despite having had more male friends than female ones in the course of my life, that does not qualify me necessarily to have an inside view of “guy code”. Realizing this gap in my “opposite sex information file” I did what I always do…. GOOGLE!

Went here first: http://itsguycode.com/theguycode/181-the-guy-code.html

Okay…so reading that made me want to take a shower. Though I can see the shadow of what my friend was indicating.

Then I went here: http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Guy_Code

It’s less skuzzy, more informative, and a little more sympathetic to the root of the whole mess… basic human nature. Also has a picture of Dr McNinja, which I must confess…the awesomeness of that may be influencing my positive feelings toward the article.

I would have liked to reference a third webpage but most of what I was sifting through amounted to videos, and since not everyone can view videos at work (where you might be reading this) I didn’t want to include material you couldn’t check out.

I realized it wouldn’t be fair to only eyeball “man code” without checking out “woman code” too so I did that as well. I suppose I should KNOW girl code already but as I said earlier, most of my friends have been guys.

Naturally, I went here first: http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Girl_Code

o.O What. The. Fuck? Okay….completely writing that one off. Hell, I even checked the history listing for that one. The creator’s profile makes certain things clear. Namely that contrary to the alternate article on guy code (written by someone else entirely), no real effort at credibility is being attempted here. Unfortunate. Moving on.

So I tried here: http://madamenoire.com/44987/girl-code-10-friendship-commandments-every-girl-should-know/11/

This one is somewhat better. A tad superficial maybe, but several points match up quite well with “man code" with one marked exception, at least…so it seems so to me. Rule 5 of this article's list of woman code sums up as “No One-Upping your friend”. And I consider this a contrast with “man code” because from my observation hanging out with guys, a large aspect of male bonding seems to be regularly one-upping each other. Interesting.

This website made direct comparison contrast of both: http://www.hercampus.com/love/cracking-girl-code-and-bro-code

Hmm. Several points made here directly contradict points made on both sides elsewhere, so I’m uncertain of the value.

One contrast I did find…when googling, it was easier to find clear “guy code” material than girl code material. If anything…there was more denial that “girl code” even existed, or if it DID it was for parody or spoofing purposes only. I did NOT find “girl code” videos within the first 2 search result pages…and I did for “guy code”.

Much more to the point for me, seems to be an underlying assumption regardless of “code” that all communication with a member of the opposite sex implies some sort of intention for mate selection on a temporary or future basis.

Well.

Sooo. According to the rules of social culture I’m totally in the wrong then for assuming I’m perfectly within my right to be just friends with a guy, right? Turns out… not only am I NOT wrong, but a lot of society is trapped in a throwback timewarp. Check this out: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200109/can-men-and-women-be-friends

That article felt pretty satisfying. So, where does that leave us when it comes to dealing with “The Codes” respectively? I think it helps to be aware of them to a certain respect. At the beginning of all this, I honestly thought some of these guys were just being single-minded jerks fishing for a sexually available woman. At the same time there is too much disparity among people regarding what the “codes” ARE to feel totally confident about the underlying factors that may or may not be going on in a guy’s head when he meets me.

So what to do? I don’t want a guy to feel “tricked” into breaking an unspoken guy code in the sense of waiting too far into a conversation to inform him that I’m spoken for. At the same time, I don’t want to give the impression that I think that he’s pursuing me intimately right from the word “Hello”. Strikes me as presumptuous and vain on my part, even during those times when I can tell a guy is interested in me that way before he’s opened his mouth (though admittedly I’m usually the last to know….some guys do manage to project interest at football field lengths…even I can pick up on that!).

I think I’m going to give it the time it takes to go through the inane pleasantries…and through the course of one actual topic. If he’s not asked me if I’m available in that timeframe, and shows signs of wanting to start another topic and stay in my company I’m going to interject with some polite, but bare bone bluntness.

Something like: “I’m enjoying your conversation, I’d like to continue, but I know there are some common cultural norms I’d like to get out of the way. I do have a boyfriend. He is not a muscle-minded moron. No real friend of ours would dare presume to act for either of us either. If you are uncomfortable continuing talking to me, I will understand.”

That could work. Hmmm.

Yeah...I Suck

So very long since I updated?

Say it isn't so!

Ah well, happens to bloggers all the time...there they are happily blogging away with so much to say...

And BANG! Life happens.

As for how much I'm going to put in my blog regarding what has contributed to keeping me away...don't know. Cannot imagine many people want to read anyone's blog when it's just a diatribe about their own personal whatever.

Ah well.

Amazon is Down-own-own-own (Echoooooo)

Today is a rare day. Amazon.com has been down for over 2 hours.

For those of you who may read this, and have either a sense of deja vu', or a desire to throw something at me... I will predict that you frequent Twitter to a certain degree.

Now that is more interesting to me than my beloved book dealer being out of my favorite smack.

I have done a rare thing the last hour or so. I have watched the Twitter feed regarding Amazon being down. My feelings about Twitter are very much justified. EVERYONE has something to say....and next to NO ONE is actually listening.

How do I know? Easy. Every other tweet on there was either informing us that Amazon is down, or asking if anyone is having the same issue of Amazon seeming to be down. Every other tweet...for the last two hours.

All anyone had to do to actually find out IF Amazon were down, or if anyone else had noticed a problem with Amazon...would be to do a search in Twitter for recent tweets regarding Amazon...and MAGIC!!! Multiple tweets confirming the issue already in existence!

But no. That is not what Tweeters actually DO apparantly. They must tweet their query (regardless of how many times it's been tweeted prior), because it's the TWEETING that is important, not the content of the tweet, or even the answer to the supposed "query". And I say supposed query...because I ask a lot of questions myself...then I google for the answer. See I seek answers before considering asking the world at large, because I'm fairly certain (and never been wrong yet) that I'm never the First Person to EVER ask something.

I could only watch the Twitter feed on this for a couple hours. And to be honest, even by then I was feeling a bit drop-kicky towards most of the people on there. Some of them posited interesting ideas, like musing about how much money on average Amazon was losing by being down (and a couple folk looked like they'd actually sought out the answer). But most tweets were of the two types I already mentioned. Which said pretty clearly to me that people were more focused on tweeting, than reading existing tweets on the subject.

The repitition created a textual cacophony that in truth, is still making my head hurt a little.

I'm just not a Twitter fan.

Calm the FUCK Down!

So, the volcano in Iceland is spewing ash and disrupting air travel. Yeah. Shit happens. I can understand being frustrated by it.

But it makes no sense to be ANGRY about it.

I had the news on, and they were doing the interview thing where they stick the microphone in the stranded passengers faces, and while most people were clearly frustrated and tired, some went so far to be ANGRY.

Can you explain what there is to be angry at? It's nature...she's occasionally a bitch, and most of us (especially where I live) just deal with the fact that nature likes to throw ash every now and then.

The angry people were actually kind of creepy, in the sense that they actually seemed to expect "someone" to do something about their misfortune, and it was a crime than nothing had been done yet.

And part of the reason this attitude is creepy, is I think it encourages dangerous actions...kind of like KLM trying to see if they can force a plane to fly through ash clouds (they are testing this now).

Yeah. Count me OUT on that passenger list. I'd be checking to see if any cruise ships were offering special rates for stranded air passengers. Seven days and I'd be back in the States.

PUT Them Down!

The multi-use phones. iPhone, Android, Hero, whatever.

Put them down.

Ah Ah Ah....I SAW that!!! Take that oversized paperclip off your damn ear! NOW!

Thank You.

Now let's chat.

The other day I was watching a movie at a friends house. There were four of us sharing time together..hanging out...having fun. All of a sudden, as though some predetermined signal had been received...all three of the people there pulled out their phones and started screwing around with them to the exclusion of each other and their guest (me). And no, they did not all receive calls or texts at the same moment.

My own housemate has become a phone whore too. We go to a movie, and on the drive to the theater...he's sitting in the passenger seat texting, texting, texting as I drive. Before he joined the multi-use phone craze..we used to do the most radical thing in the car on the way somewhere...we used to talk...TO EACH OTHER!!!

NEVER should digital communication become perceived as more vital or important than live interpersonal communication...but that is what is taking place. And as these phones become more loaded with features (or Apps), somehow they've become more interesting or stimulating than actual interaction.

That or their users are so entranced by the cool tech, the perception that they are being rude as fuck to the person standing right there trying to talk to them gets lost in the "novelty" of playing solitare on their phone (oooooh aaaaaaah).

I'll admit, the new phones ARE cool. And yes...I think maybe I too will eventually buy one when I can justify the price of the additional dataplan to myself.

But here is part of what gets me...the friends I mentioned earlier? They share a three bedroom apartment, none of them can afford a car, their budgets limit them to generic brands, but they all three have these slick new phones.

I can afford an iphone, but I'm still waiting (for what? Not quite sure). I use an old Motorola that doesn't even have a camera. Maybe I need for my ancient phone to fully die.

But it's really something to see a clutch of teenagers huddled together all hanging out...texting madly to people who are not even there, to the exclusion of each other.

It's just a bit wacko.

What the Hell?

Heath Ledger got sick. He took cold medicine along with prescription drugs . Heath Ledger died.
Brittany Murphy got sick. She took cold medicine along with prescription drugs. Brittany Murphy died.

Today Corey Haim died. Granted…he does have a history of substance abuse, but from what I’m reading so far in the news… Corey Haim was sick with “flu-like symptoms” the last couple days, and he was in possession of prescription medications. Somehow it wouldn’t surprise me much if he also possessed over the counter cold medicine. I’m a regular Sherlock Holmes right?

So what is really going on? Most of us have heard at some point that you are not supposed to mix prescription drugs with cold medicines. And you’d think the tragic examples of several media darlings the last few years would be a heady reminder for us all. But people keep dying anyway.

Part of the answer is really POOR communication on the part of our doctors. They used to express the notion that open communication was entirely the patient’s responsibility. Well look how well THAT idea works!

Doctors are not easily accessible. They are busy people. But that contributes to the communication problem. So what happens when someone with an Oxycontin prescription starts getting that itchy tickle in the back of their throat heralding the onset of cold or flu? Do they call their doctor? They might try…but what happens? Usually they end up leaving a message. Many doctors seem to share a trait that returning calls on messages are really not that big a priority for them. It probably doesn’t help that a large volume of the calls they get likely DO fall into the “no big whoop” category….but even THAT is a result of poor communication and even poorer public information. Such as people heading for the hospital for issues that could be handled faster (and often cheaper) at a Clinic.

But back to the poor patient on Oxycontin who tried to do the right thing. It’s been three days since they left a message for the Doctor asking if they can safely take cold medicine, and they are miserable from the stuffiness, sore throat, and coughing. They can’t sleep, they can’t think, they cannot taste food properly…or swallow it comfortably. Life sucks. So they call the Doctor back.

For the sake of this scenario, let’s be merciful (we already know the repetitive run-around that can take place) and say our patient actually lucks out and is able to talk to the Doctor the second time they call. Let’s say the doctor is cool and tells them which medicines are okay to take. He’s trying to be helpful…but here comes a new problem. Doctors often don’t refer to medicines by Brand name. For a lot of people…tissue is called Kleenex even when the actual Brand is Kirkland. The Doctor is trying to help by being as specific as possible… but this involves actual drug ingredients which generally have a lot of syllables…even the spelling of which, if accidently wrong, refers to a different ingredient.

The Patient gets frustrated. This is going to mean looking at the backs of a lot of boxes and bottles sorting the safe from unsafe. And they already do not feel well. And the words the doctor is saying on the phone do little to make the patient feel good. They might recognize an ingredient the doctor mentions as being what they think of as “Sudafed”…and now worse, they may feel a little angry. After all…can’t the Doctor just say “Sudafed” and be done? The patient feels like crud, and this doctor is sending them to the store to do what sounds like intensive research, instead of just saying, “Buy this, this, and this. Do not buy any of that though, it could be dangerous.” And now the doctor is asking cheerily if they have any more questions…which the patient might, except now they either feel like an idiot, or that they are being sent on a snipe hunt. So the questions may go unasked.

The patient goes to the store. They look on the backs of boxes, and yes…they see the ingredients the doctor talked about. But they are not comfortable about the purchase, because the box also lists ingredients the doctor never mentioned! Or even better, the patient is pretty certain one of the other ingredients listed is one the doctor might have said to avoid. While the patient does not buy those, they feel even less certain about the medicines with ingredients the doctor did not mention at all. Maybe they should call the doctor again…

Yeah right. That’s going to happen.

Nope. They will just buy the medicines. And…this time, all is well. They get over their cold, and feel somewhat silly about worrying about ODing. And the next time they get sick, chances are very good they will not take the precautions they did the first time getting sick while on their prescription meds. The next time they get sick after that, they misplaced the list of “safe meds” they made way back when…but they think they remember what they bought before, and getting hold of the doctor was such a hassle…and a couple years down the road, they get the flu and die from an OD.

So what is the solution? I think we have to accept that both patients and doctors are human therefore their communication skills are of varying qualities. Perhaps we should take it out of human hands. Internet research can lead to the right answers of what can be safe to take with what, but what would be great would be if there were one well known website where you type in the name of your drug, and in one field pops up a list of safe OTC meds, and in another field (With big red letters somewhere) of the unsafe meds all with a common brand name in parenthesis.

Even more valuable if it made lists for OTC meds, as well as other prescription drugs. That way, if your doctor gives you a prescription for something else later…you could check it. And if there were a concern…then call the doctor to find out about your being prescribed a potentially dangerous combo.

The days of doctors complaining that their patients are “over-informed” because of the internet need to be past. So long as doctors lack the accessibility of the internet, people are going to use it instead. The best thing to do then is try to insure sites where the information offered is accurate as possible.

It's a Plot

It has to be. Every time I want to do anything that requires time or attention...start Aikido, join a community group, or gee...try blogging regularly, my job ACTIVELY interferes.

I don't want to whine about work on here, so in brief I'll just say I've been wearing a lot of hats and that tends to leave my brains a smooshy zombie pudding by the end of the day...and this has gone on for a couple months.

 Even as I type this (my thought was...gee it's been quiet for over ten minutes, I could write something real quick), the phone is ringing like a bitch. Gotta go.