When Social "Codes" Collide

Yeah I know I suck. Can’t keep up with a blog worth a damn….but I’ll keep trying.


I had a fun discussion with a friend this morning about the difference in perception between men and women regarding the same thing.

Me: You know when a guy is chatting up a girl at a party? And in the course of the conversation it comes up that she is already seeing another guy? Then the guy talking to her seems to just lose all interest in meeting her, and he takes off like a bat out of hell? I hate that! It comes across as though his only interest in speaking to her at all was for possible mate material. It totally devalues her as a person in her own right, with interests of her own that are worthy of discussion. It makes him look like a jerk, and for her…if she does become available one day, she’s not going to forget his one-track interest. She probably won’t be interested in starting anything with the guy she remembers dropping her like a stone at that party.

Male Friend: You are forgetting the “guy code”. When a guy discovers a girl he’s interested in is taken, out of respect for her romantic partner, and not to mention their mutual friends (many of whom are probably right there at the same party), he is obligated to show respect by not giving the wrong impression to anyone who may be observing. The impression being that he’s making a move on another guy’s girl. That wrong impression could lead to his getting his ass kicked. And since he probably had to work up a lot of nerve to start talking to the girl in the first place, his “exit strategy” could easily be equally unsophisticated.

Huh.

This was quite interesting to me. Because despite having had more male friends than female ones in the course of my life, that does not qualify me necessarily to have an inside view of “guy code”. Realizing this gap in my “opposite sex information file” I did what I always do…. GOOGLE!

Went here first: http://itsguycode.com/theguycode/181-the-guy-code.html

Okay…so reading that made me want to take a shower. Though I can see the shadow of what my friend was indicating.

Then I went here: http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Guy_Code

It’s less skuzzy, more informative, and a little more sympathetic to the root of the whole mess… basic human nature. Also has a picture of Dr McNinja, which I must confess…the awesomeness of that may be influencing my positive feelings toward the article.

I would have liked to reference a third webpage but most of what I was sifting through amounted to videos, and since not everyone can view videos at work (where you might be reading this) I didn’t want to include material you couldn’t check out.

I realized it wouldn’t be fair to only eyeball “man code” without checking out “woman code” too so I did that as well. I suppose I should KNOW girl code already but as I said earlier, most of my friends have been guys.

Naturally, I went here first: http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Girl_Code

o.O What. The. Fuck? Okay….completely writing that one off. Hell, I even checked the history listing for that one. The creator’s profile makes certain things clear. Namely that contrary to the alternate article on guy code (written by someone else entirely), no real effort at credibility is being attempted here. Unfortunate. Moving on.

So I tried here: http://madamenoire.com/44987/girl-code-10-friendship-commandments-every-girl-should-know/11/

This one is somewhat better. A tad superficial maybe, but several points match up quite well with “man code" with one marked exception, at least…so it seems so to me. Rule 5 of this article's list of woman code sums up as “No One-Upping your friend”. And I consider this a contrast with “man code” because from my observation hanging out with guys, a large aspect of male bonding seems to be regularly one-upping each other. Interesting.

This website made direct comparison contrast of both: http://www.hercampus.com/love/cracking-girl-code-and-bro-code

Hmm. Several points made here directly contradict points made on both sides elsewhere, so I’m uncertain of the value.

One contrast I did find…when googling, it was easier to find clear “guy code” material than girl code material. If anything…there was more denial that “girl code” even existed, or if it DID it was for parody or spoofing purposes only. I did NOT find “girl code” videos within the first 2 search result pages…and I did for “guy code”.

Much more to the point for me, seems to be an underlying assumption regardless of “code” that all communication with a member of the opposite sex implies some sort of intention for mate selection on a temporary or future basis.

Well.

Sooo. According to the rules of social culture I’m totally in the wrong then for assuming I’m perfectly within my right to be just friends with a guy, right? Turns out… not only am I NOT wrong, but a lot of society is trapped in a throwback timewarp. Check this out: http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200109/can-men-and-women-be-friends

That article felt pretty satisfying. So, where does that leave us when it comes to dealing with “The Codes” respectively? I think it helps to be aware of them to a certain respect. At the beginning of all this, I honestly thought some of these guys were just being single-minded jerks fishing for a sexually available woman. At the same time there is too much disparity among people regarding what the “codes” ARE to feel totally confident about the underlying factors that may or may not be going on in a guy’s head when he meets me.

So what to do? I don’t want a guy to feel “tricked” into breaking an unspoken guy code in the sense of waiting too far into a conversation to inform him that I’m spoken for. At the same time, I don’t want to give the impression that I think that he’s pursuing me intimately right from the word “Hello”. Strikes me as presumptuous and vain on my part, even during those times when I can tell a guy is interested in me that way before he’s opened his mouth (though admittedly I’m usually the last to know….some guys do manage to project interest at football field lengths…even I can pick up on that!).

I think I’m going to give it the time it takes to go through the inane pleasantries…and through the course of one actual topic. If he’s not asked me if I’m available in that timeframe, and shows signs of wanting to start another topic and stay in my company I’m going to interject with some polite, but bare bone bluntness.

Something like: “I’m enjoying your conversation, I’d like to continue, but I know there are some common cultural norms I’d like to get out of the way. I do have a boyfriend. He is not a muscle-minded moron. No real friend of ours would dare presume to act for either of us either. If you are uncomfortable continuing talking to me, I will understand.”

That could work. Hmmm.